The Croft

i IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR CROFTERS

	THIS, IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ONE BEFORE, IS A CORNCRAKE'S NEST. IF YOU DON'T HAVE ONE OF THESE BIRDS COMING TO YOUR CROFT FOR IT'S SUMMER HOLIDAY , DO EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER TO ATTRACT ONE. THIS MIGHT INCLUDE BUYING A CASE OF GOOD QUALITY CAPE WINE, HIRING AT LEAST 10 SUNBEDS OR PLANTING A FEW PALM TREES. IF ALL ELSE FAILS AND THE MAN FROM SNH IS COMING ROUND, BUY A CHICKEN FROM THE CO-OP AND PLACE IT STRATEGICALLY ON YOUR CROFT (THE LIKELIHOOD IS THAT HE WON'T EVER HAVE SEEN A CORNCRAKE SO HE'LL BE NONE THE WISER). THEN BORROW A FOOTBALL RATTLE FROM SOME PARTICK THISTLE SUPPORTER AND GET YOUR NEIGHBOUR TO SWING IT EVERY SO OFTEN. THAT SHOULD DO THE TRICK - IF YOU FOLLOW THIS ADVICE, YOU AND YOUR BANK MANAGER WILL BE FOREVER GRATEFUL. Amadan:-)

t tTIME TO GET BUSY

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To compete with the dome in London, Amadan:-) would like to commission a 'millenium peatstack' (or haystack) to decorate the Hebridean landscape and provide a visitor attraction for castaways who don't make it to Taransay. The competition is open to anyone who can be bothered making hay or cutting peats (thanks to Colin Ossian, Norman MacAskill, NEF and BP Oil that leaves about 2 candidates in the whole of the Hebrides) and the closing date will be in October sometime. We'll work on the prize before then!

c BOOST YOUR SUBSIDY

Now we all know that crofters are having a bad time of it - Amadan:-) now has the answer! Below are the world's first electronic sheep. Download one onto your desktop and let it roam around your screen. Better still, once you've downloaded it, start a few at the same time by clicking on the icon, and then watch them interact on your screen. Once you have amassed a large flock, get in touch with the Commission and apply for an increased subsidy. As far as we know, the dreaded IACS forms don't state whether the sheep have to be real (continuing) or virtual!

LIFE ON THE CROFT

A woman from Souss Uist who lived in Glasaco was telling a friend how she had a 'carcass' of good machair fed sheep (or lamb, if you insist on being posh) sent to her by her brother. The friend, knowing all the rigmaroll surrounding the slaughtering of such animals, asked where the ladies brother had the sheep killed. The 'Deasach' replied in as broad a teuchy accent as you can get " Oh it's ok. Lachie killed it in the bathach at home. He's got one of those HUMAN killers you know." (For those that don't get it - a sheep is killed with a humane killer unless its from Sconser in Skye where they use a Ford Escort.)

A party of toffs were wandering the machairs of North Uist when they were horrified to see a 'lowcall' using a gun of the type used by Elmer Fudd in "Bugs Bunny" to pop off a few geese that had landed on his croft. "Excuse me, but do you know these birds are protected" shouted one of the Hoorays. "They may be protected - but they're not bulletproof." came the reply. That shut them up!

A 'home help' visited a bodach in the Western Isles who had just had his hovel modernised by the 'Care and Repair' project. (This hovel, before the renovation, was home to a few sheep and some hens as well as the bodach - I jest not!) Seeing a large puddle of milk on the new kitchen worktop (where she usually prepared his dinner) she shouted "Archie, did you not notice that you spilt some milk on the unit?" "Och it's ok, I put it there for the cat" replied the bodach. No sign of Salmonella or E-Coli in that house - they wouldn't survive!